what's that wheezing noise? oh, I see, it's Buddha 5 again. here, suck on your inhaler for a second, and stop being so damn preachy! 
Smoke 'em if you got 'em people! heeheehee
Smoke 'em if you got 'em people! heeheehee
Toulouse - A real story !!!
- Thread starter Russell Smith
- Start date
Most of the team are from north Wales (wrexham), But we have a few from Manchester and i live in darkest mid Wales .
And if Chris is a sportsman (outside of his tiny mind) i'll eat my own cooking
Alien
Psycho Pimps Transportation specalist
.And if Chris is a sportsman (outside of his tiny mind) i'll eat my own cooking
Alien
Psycho Pimps Transportation specalist
Ok, this is really long, and not really a joke, but come on.......tell me this isn't true......
Lesson Number 1 - Understanding Woman Talk
Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right
about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even
trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used
to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and
will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and
"Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to
not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night" If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run; do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you
that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do
not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go
ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about
them.
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you
are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she
is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous
way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is
wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Lesson Number 1 - Understanding Woman Talk
Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right
about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even
trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used
to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and
will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and
"Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to
not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night" If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run; do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you
that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do
not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go
ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about
them.
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often
used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you
are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she
is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous
way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is
wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Attn of Tony
Her indoors has just told me nothing is up and everything is fine while sighing at the same time.
I told her i wanted to put her pic on her and she said Go ahead!!.
I think i might be in trouble, Do you agree, I'll have to go now she's going to her mates for five minutes and i have to take the rubbish out.
And if she see's her pic on here I WILL BE IN TROUBLE, I used to take pictures of her in the bedroom all the time now she won't let me, She says the flash wake's her up.
Her indoors has just told me nothing is up and everything is fine while sighing at the same time.
I told her i wanted to put her pic on her and she said Go ahead!!.
I think i might be in trouble, Do you agree, I'll have to go now she's going to her mates for five minutes and i have to take the rubbish out.
And if she see's her pic on here I WILL BE IN TROUBLE, I used to take pictures of her in the bedroom all the time now she won't let me, She says the flash wake's her up.
Okej i will try to top it then....
A guy calls in to work one day and says:
-Boss I´m not coming to work today, I´m SICK!
The the boss asked:
-How sick are you??
-I´m at home and F*CKING my sister how sick is that????
Why do blond girls have bluemarks around their bellybutton??
-Hey Blond guys arent that smart either!!
And the final one:
Which word dosen`t fit in: Bitch,Kid,Dog,Analsex....
Dont know?
Answer: Analsex!
Why?
U can beat your Bitch,dog and the kids but nothing beats Analsex!!
A guy calls in to work one day and says:
-Boss I´m not coming to work today, I´m SICK!
The the boss asked:
-How sick are you??
-I´m at home and F*CKING my sister how sick is that????
Why do blond girls have bluemarks around their bellybutton??
-Hey Blond guys arent that smart either!!
And the final one:
Which word dosen`t fit in: Bitch,Kid,Dog,Analsex....
Dont know?
Answer: Analsex!
Why?
U can beat your Bitch,dog and the kids but nothing beats Analsex!!
No. run up your phone bill for a change
Ring me after 8, you got my home number
Love the above jokes. Keep'em coming
Alien
Ring me after 8, you got my home number
Love the above jokes. Keep'em coming
Alien
Yep, you're in BIG trouble Russell!!!
How do you castrate a cockney?
Kick his sister on the chin.
How do you castrate a cockney?
Kick his sister on the chin.
Ok, last one:
This girl is out on a night out, and she goes clubbing. While she's there she meets this lad, he's from Trinidad and he's out with his mate. They get chatting and get on really well. At the end of the night, they're talking and he tells her he'd like to see her the next night. She say's she can't, it's her birthday and she's having a party, but would he and his mate like to come? He say's yeah, but she say's there's a catch. It's a fancy dress party with a bit of a twist, you have to come as an emotion. He's a little puzzled, but agrees to it.
The next day, he and his friend get ready for the night, and get in the car to go to the party. When they get their, the party is in full swing, so they knock on the door, and the girl answers the door. When she sees their costumes, she has a look of absolute horror on her face!!!
"what have you come as?", she say's. "I said come as and emotion!!".
"look at me she say's". She's dressed in a green catsuit, "I'm green with envy, you see?"
She looks at the two men. One of them is totally naked, but has his co*k stuck in a fruit. the other, again while totally naked, has his co*k stuck in a bowl of pudding.
(Say it in a Carribean accent or it doesn't work....)
Well, say's one of the men. I'm fuc*ing dis custard and me mates come is dis pear..............
groan...............
This girl is out on a night out, and she goes clubbing. While she's there she meets this lad, he's from Trinidad and he's out with his mate. They get chatting and get on really well. At the end of the night, they're talking and he tells her he'd like to see her the next night. She say's she can't, it's her birthday and she's having a party, but would he and his mate like to come? He say's yeah, but she say's there's a catch. It's a fancy dress party with a bit of a twist, you have to come as an emotion. He's a little puzzled, but agrees to it.
The next day, he and his friend get ready for the night, and get in the car to go to the party. When they get their, the party is in full swing, so they knock on the door, and the girl answers the door. When she sees their costumes, she has a look of absolute horror on her face!!!
"what have you come as?", she say's. "I said come as and emotion!!".
"look at me she say's". She's dressed in a green catsuit, "I'm green with envy, you see?"
She looks at the two men. One of them is totally naked, but has his co*k stuck in a fruit. the other, again while totally naked, has his co*k stuck in a bowl of pudding.
(Say it in a Carribean accent or it doesn't work....)
Well, say's one of the men. I'm fuc*ing dis custard and me mates come is dis pear..............
groan...............
I've got too much spare time at work........
> > One day, young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned
> > by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.
> >
> > The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
> > Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as
> > long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur
> > would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year,
> > he still had no answer, he would be killed.
> >
> > The question was: What do women really want?
> >
> > Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
> > man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
> > Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the
> > monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He
> > returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
> > princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court
> > jester.
> >
> > In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a
> > satisfactory answer.
> >
> > What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as
> > only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since
> > the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant
> > prices she charged.
> >
> The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but
> > to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd
> > have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry
> > Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and
> > Arthur's closest friend!
> >
> > Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully
> > hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, and
> > often made obscene noises.
> > He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused
> > to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
> >
> > Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
> > him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's
> > life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding
> > was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
> >
> > What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own
> > life.
> >
> > Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
> > and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The
> > neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total
> > freedom.
> >
> > What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn
> > between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle
> > and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display.
> > She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone
> > uncomfortable.
> >
> > The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a
> > horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The
> > most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was
> > astounded and asked what had happened.
> >
> > The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when
> > she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible,
> > deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful
> > maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and
> > which during the night?
> >
> > What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:
> > during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at
> > night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would
> > he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful
> > woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
> >
> > What would you do?
> >
> > What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've
> > made your own choice.
> >
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
> > Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful
> > all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be
> > in charge of her own life.
> >
> > What is the moral of this story?
> >
> > The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or
> > ugly, smart or dumb.
> >
> > Underneath it all, she's still a witch.
> >
> > One day, young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned
> > by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.
> >
> > The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
> > Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as
> > long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur
> > would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year,
> > he still had no answer, he would be killed.
> >
> > The question was: What do women really want?
> >
> > Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
> > man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
> > Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the
> > monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He
> > returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
> > princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court
> > jester.
> >
> > In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a
> > satisfactory answer.
> >
> > What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as
> > only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since
> > the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant
> > prices she charged.
> >
> The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but
> > to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd
> > have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry
> > Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and
> > Arthur's closest friend!
> >
> > Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully
> > hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, and
> > often made obscene noises.
> > He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused
> > to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
> >
> > Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
> > him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's
> > life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding
> > was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
> >
> > What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own
> > life.
> >
> > Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
> > and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The
> > neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total
> > freedom.
> >
> > What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn
> > between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle
> > and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display.
> > She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone
> > uncomfortable.
> >
> > The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a
> > horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The
> > most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was
> > astounded and asked what had happened.
> >
> > The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when
> > she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible,
> > deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful
> > maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and
> > which during the night?
> >
> > What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:
> > during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at
> > night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would
> > he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful
> > woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
> >
> > What would you do?
> >
> > What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've
> > made your own choice.
> >
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
> > Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful
> > all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be
> > in charge of her own life.
> >
> > What is the moral of this story?
> >
> > The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or
> > ugly, smart or dumb.
> >
> > Underneath it all, she's still a witch.
> >