paintball jokes
- Thread starter mugged44
- Start date
QUESTION: How many tournament refs does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER: None, the stupid, blind refs can't TELL when it's burnt out.
Did you hear about the guy whose wife let him play paintball as much as he wanted to and didn't complain about how much money he spent on equipment?
Neither did I.
These two guys are telling paintball "war" stories and are trying to outdo each other. The stories become more and more outlandish as the afternoon goes on.
One guy decides to tell a story no one could top, just to put an end to the whole affair.
"There I was, alone in a fort, with 200 guys surrounding me. I ran from window to window, shouting and shooting so fast, they thought the fort was full of guys. It took me seven hours, but I managed to eliminate all 200."
The second guys rubs his chin and says, "I'll tell you an amazing story. We were playing a night game and we were on patrol. We were carrying one of those gas lanterns. We were wading across this chest deep stream when we came under fire and one of the guys drops the lantern. Next year, same field, same stream. I kick something with my foot and I fish it out of the water. It turns out to be the lantern, and get this, it's still lit!"
The first guys says, "C'mon, how do you expect me to believe that?"
"Well I tell you what," the second guy says, "You change the 200 players to TWENTY and I'll blow out the lantern."
ANSWER: None, the stupid, blind refs can't TELL when it's burnt out.
Did you hear about the guy whose wife let him play paintball as much as he wanted to and didn't complain about how much money he spent on equipment?
Neither did I.
These two guys are telling paintball "war" stories and are trying to outdo each other. The stories become more and more outlandish as the afternoon goes on.
One guy decides to tell a story no one could top, just to put an end to the whole affair.
"There I was, alone in a fort, with 200 guys surrounding me. I ran from window to window, shouting and shooting so fast, they thought the fort was full of guys. It took me seven hours, but I managed to eliminate all 200."
The second guys rubs his chin and says, "I'll tell you an amazing story. We were playing a night game and we were on patrol. We were carrying one of those gas lanterns. We were wading across this chest deep stream when we came under fire and one of the guys drops the lantern. Next year, same field, same stream. I kick something with my foot and I fish it out of the water. It turns out to be the lantern, and get this, it's still lit!"
The first guys says, "C'mon, how do you expect me to believe that?"
"Well I tell you what," the second guy says, "You change the 200 players to TWENTY and I'll blow out the lantern."
This guy had to have a brain transplant, and he told the doctor that money was no object and that he wanted the best brain available.
"Okay," the doctor said, "We have a heart surgeon's brain for ten thousand dollars, a nuclear scientist's brain for one hundred thousand dollars and a professional paintball referree's brain for one million dollars."
The patient was dumbfounded, "Why is the professional paintball referree's brain worth more than surgeon's or scientist's?"
The doctor replied, "The professional paintball referree's brain has never been used."
QUESTION: What's the difference between an Ultimate Judge and God?
ANSWER: God doesn't think He's an Ultimate Judge.
QUESTION: How can you tell a tournament player from a recreational player in a fancy restaurant, when they're both picking their noses?
ANSWER: The tournament player picks his nose with his MIDDLE finger.
"Okay," the doctor said, "We have a heart surgeon's brain for ten thousand dollars, a nuclear scientist's brain for one hundred thousand dollars and a professional paintball referree's brain for one million dollars."
The patient was dumbfounded, "Why is the professional paintball referree's brain worth more than surgeon's or scientist's?"
The doctor replied, "The professional paintball referree's brain has never been used."
QUESTION: What's the difference between an Ultimate Judge and God?
ANSWER: God doesn't think He's an Ultimate Judge.
QUESTION: How can you tell a tournament player from a recreational player in a fancy restaurant, when they're both picking their noses?
ANSWER: The tournament player picks his nose with his MIDDLE finger.
these are a few old ones i found
A woman, a poor man, and a paintballer went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The woman pushed her drink away in disgust. 'I can't drink something so gross!' The poor man shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The paintballer was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, 'Spit it out you *******! Spit it out!'
A young man, hired by a paintball proshop, reported for his first day of work. The owner greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a pro player!" the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
There was a trucker who would always hit paintballers he would see walking on the side of the road. He would get great pleasure out of hearing the loud thud and seeing their equipment fly everywhere after hitting one of them.
One day there was a priest by the side of the road who needed a ride. Out of good will, this trucker picked the priest up and gave him a ride. While riding along with the priest, the driver saw a paintballer by the side of the road, trudging away with all his gear. Out of instinct, the trucker swerved to hit him, but he remembered there was a priest in the car, and swerved back onto the road. He was sure he missed him, but he still heard a loud thud. He turned to the priest and said, 'I'm terribly sorry father, I almost hit that paintball player.'
'That's okay,' said the priest, 'I got him with the door.'
A woman, a poor man, and a paintballer went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The woman pushed her drink away in disgust. 'I can't drink something so gross!' The poor man shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The paintballer was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, 'Spit it out you *******! Spit it out!'
A young man, hired by a paintball proshop, reported for his first day of work. The owner greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a pro player!" the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
There was a trucker who would always hit paintballers he would see walking on the side of the road. He would get great pleasure out of hearing the loud thud and seeing their equipment fly everywhere after hitting one of them.
One day there was a priest by the side of the road who needed a ride. Out of good will, this trucker picked the priest up and gave him a ride. While riding along with the priest, the driver saw a paintballer by the side of the road, trudging away with all his gear. Out of instinct, the trucker swerved to hit him, but he remembered there was a priest in the car, and swerved back onto the road. He was sure he missed him, but he still heard a loud thud. He turned to the priest and said, 'I'm terribly sorry father, I almost hit that paintball player.'
'That's okay,' said the priest, 'I got him with the door.'
Ace jokes but for some wierd reason the one that said "What follows 2 days of rain" cracked me up!!! 
I came up with this one myself a while ago, hence why it aint very good.
Q: How many tourney ballers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just the one, but it would take an entire team of 7 to whine about not having enough sponsors to pay for the bulb.
....hmm...
Q: How many tourney ballers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just the one, but it would take an entire team of 7 to whine about not having enough sponsors to pay for the bulb.
....hmm...
Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from
DrinkingMates4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried
to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to
discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe
damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any
mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not
be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
> them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter,
and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which
needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child
> processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games
I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it
often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law,
which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress
2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me tothe fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all
of your Money before uninstalling itself.
found this at some other site
DrinkingMates4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried
to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to
discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe
damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any
mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not
be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
> them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter,
and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which
needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child
> processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games
I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it
often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law,
which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress
2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me tothe fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all
of your Money before uninstalling itself.
found this at some other site
QUESTION: How many pro players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Five, one to screw it in the other four to say ... "i coulda done that"
ANSWER: Five, one to screw it in the other four to say ... "i coulda done that"
