some jokes to cheer you up gogger
.
>A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
>she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for
>her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a
>piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road
>and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T
>MOVE!".
>He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned
>around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny.?
>Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every
>window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her
>face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices
>all her tyres. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting
>to lose it.
>He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and
>sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is
>almost falling over. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the
>blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside
>the circle.>A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
>London.
>She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed
>to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy
>a lady a drink?"
>The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
>But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down
>on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
>The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
>to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
>same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
>Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
>said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
>The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap,
>it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
>keep calling her the ballerina?'"
>"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift
>her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
>
>Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with
>Paddy the Pilot and Shamus the co-pilot.
>As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
>"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
>"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Shamus.
>"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said
>Paddy.
>"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Shamus.
>"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse"
>said Paddy.
>"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
>"And den ye put de flaps down straightaway" said Paddy.
>"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
>"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
>"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
>"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
>"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
>So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and
>sweaty palms.
>As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,
>put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with
>all of his soul.
>Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane
>screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the
>relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
>As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out
>the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin
>runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".
>Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but Look how
>fookin wide it is".
>
>A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into
>deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that
>she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her
>baby.
>The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
>from Cork came in and named them."
>The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
>She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise."
>"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
>"Denephew."
>
>Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2- seater
>Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland.
>Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and
>expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
>
>A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
>"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
>"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
>"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme
>of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat
>junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
>"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
>"Twenty-six."
