e-humour

[Kevin]

Another one for you guys.
God bless e-mail

> > Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor
> > manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
> > warning
> > labels be placed immediately on all containers:
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
>hell
> > happened to your bra.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
>whispering
> > when you are not.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
> > retard.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
> > over
> > and over again that you love them.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
>ex-lovers
> > are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
> > converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
> > Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
> > morning and see something really scary.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
> > rug
> > burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
> > tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
> > invisible.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
> > laughing WITH you.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
> > time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
> > disappear.
> >
> > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> >
> >

 

[Cenobite]

A really, really ugly bloke walks into his local pub, like a gazelle,
with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you,"
replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored bigtime! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"



"I dunno, I never found her head."

 

[Cenobite]

I got loads of these just say stop....

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt
to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...
must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm..... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however
it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What
sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes
they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely> released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

 

[Cenobite]

and one for the bikers out there.....

A BMW rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in
Saudi Arabia, sharing some smuggled bottles of booze after a hot long day's ride. The Harley Davidson rider insisted that he should get the most drinks, since he had been the one that was smart enough to smuggle the liquor. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their
trial finished, and the Sheik decided they could be released after
receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my youngest wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by
himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix
two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and wimpering with pain when the punishment was done.

The BMW rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but
before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a BMW. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride both a BMW K1200LT and an R1100RS and also have many 740i cars in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the BMW rider replies. "In
recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not
20, but 100 lashes!"

"Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second
wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The BMW rider replied.

 

[Kevin]

This one's a classic.


Helpdesk Horrors Some classics


> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
> > Customer: "Ok."
> > Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
> > Customer: "No."
> > Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
> > Customer: "No."
> > Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
> > Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
> > (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of
the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't,
> > however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
> > Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
> > Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
> >
> > *******************************************************
> > Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
> > Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
> > Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
> > Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
> > Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
> > Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
> > Customer: "What?"
> > Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
> > Customer "No..."
> >
> > *******************************************************
> > Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
> > Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
> >
> > *******************************************************
> > Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
> > Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
> > Customer: "I can't open the box."
> > Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and
go from there."
> > Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
> >
> > *******************************************************
> > Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got
a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it
> > says is 'Bad command or file name'."
> > Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A:drive-go to A:\ and
> > type 'dir'."
> > Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
> > Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'
> > again."
> > Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
> > Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't
help but do something. Are you sure you're typing
> > I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
> > Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad
command or file name'."
> > Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
> > I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
> > Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using
the 'M'key...does that matter?
> >
> > *******************************************************
> > At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything.
> > They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning
the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath
> > the bars.
> > Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
> > Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
> > outage."
> > Customer: "What is that?"
> > Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
> > Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
> >
> > *******************************************************
> > And the best for last!!!!
> >
> > Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install
disk,and now my A: drive won't work."
> > Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
> > Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck
in my drive, now it won't work at all."
> > Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?"
> > Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in
the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out.
> > That didn't work either."
> > Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
> > Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but
it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
> > Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject
button?"
> > Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and
used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't
believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
> > Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your
A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
> > At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at
the other techs to listen in.
> > Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you
repeat what you just said?"
> > Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy
disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
> > Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking
out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
eject button?"
> > Silence.
> > Tech Support: "Sir?"
> > Customer: "Yes."
> > Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
> > Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
> > going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
> > Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
> > company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't
consult
your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead
proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
> > Customer: "Ummmm."
> > Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
> > record every call and have it on tape?"
> > Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
> > Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for
you.
> > Have a nice day."