New Joke Thread......

[Mark]

Tasty chicken !!

Originally posted by Ghost
that food thing with the maggots was nasty man. i dont think im ever going to eat again...

So does that mean you have given up chicken too ?
I have ever since I read it myself for the first time lol

Mark
UK Cougars

 

[Ghost]

Hehe. I'm a semi-vegetarian so...I pretty much only eat chicken. Thought about not eating anything at all after that nasty joke, thought.

 

[Ghost]

I can't type/think anymore. Losing my mind, maggots are eating away at my brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Tony]

The Sultan of Brunei was beginning to worry, for although he had 6
children, he had no son and therefore, no heir. Imagine his joy when
one of his wives finally presented him with his first and only son
and
heir.

Before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan spoke to him and
said,"Son, I
am proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get it for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own aeroplane."
Not wanting to do things by halves, he bought him American Airlines.

Before his son's 7th birthday, the Sultan spoke to him and said,
"Son, I
am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get it for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do things by halves, his father bought him The
Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan spoke to him and
said,"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you
want, I
shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to do things by halves, his father bought him Disney
Studios,
and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan spoke to him and
said, "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I
shall
get for you." His son, who had really become obsessed with the
Disney
cartoons,
replied,"Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Again, not wanting to do things by halves, his father bought
him............











NEWCASTLE FootBall Club !!!!!!!!!!

 

[Shuck]

An actual ad in the Times (a UK paper for all you americans);

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.



THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.

A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but
from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a
diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire
fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called
in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was
dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it......

One minute our diver was like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air !!

...... Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

 

[Shuck]

SO YOU STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY? ...

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the
handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with
the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her
husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying
next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone
and summoned the ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to
her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital,
the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that
gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted
up the petrol, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was
treated and released to come home.

Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the
bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the
toilet bowl while seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband
lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was
suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same
paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The
paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying
him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the
street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife
how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them
slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell
down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.


Having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse.....

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back
door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.

And finally.......

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

 

[Shuck]

How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural
crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's
all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns
red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mr Muscle.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers
(if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to
bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man.

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting
"W'hey!!"
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch balls.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash balls and the surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because
shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis
at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.

 

[Ghost]

That is so true.........