New Joke Thread......

[Mark]

?

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
>
>LOCATION: Throughout the world
>
>DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous
>spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and
>subspecies.
>
>SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front pelvis
>region, resulting
>in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating
>pain
>after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been
>known to
>attack men in the rear lower buttocks, which may result in an incurable
>disease
>and possible death.
>
>HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the
>most unusual places.
>
>ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the
>venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete
>recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
>
>WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
>
>TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body
>to be affected.
>CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as
>the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
>SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so
>far
>has not been reported to have led to any success.
>
>MILKING THE SNAKE:
>
>1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with
>the thumb in the front.
>2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
>3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and make it
>start spitting.
>4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker
>and the last
>time the snake attacked.
>5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
>
>CONCLUSION:
>
>This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a
>vermin, and treated with the right respect makes a wonderful pet.

 

[salad]

A priest gets pulled over for speeding, the swift cop notices the smell of alcohol on the man of the clothes breath. He asks if he has been drinking, and the priest slurrs out "No, do I look like I would lie to you?" The officer says he would hope not, but points out an empty bottle of wine on the floor of his gremlin. The officer asks what kind of joke he is trying to pull and asks the priest to hand him the empty bottle. The priest looks down on the floor and says "Holy **** he's done it again!!"

Jodi, there is absolutely nothing better than having two boyfriends. One is smart, considerate, charming, romantic - Jodi asks why the hell she would need two if the first one is so great. Carol quickly replys, well the 2nd one isn't gay!

Justin

 

[Bigdog]

Blowjob

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the ******* to take his ****ing hand off the intercom!"

 

[LARSEN]

Blond's.........

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[LARSEN]

Where..........?

Where's Jesus from
Normally I don't do ethnic jokes, but this one was pretty funny ;-)
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures.
But perhaps the most compelling evidence that JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT!
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

 

[Scrotum]

I should perhaps apolygize in advance...

Q: How do you stop Superman from moving?
A: Tape his mouth shut.

Q: What's the title Christopher Reeves' next movie?
A: Superman Gets a Good Parking Spot.

Q: How can you tell when a female midget is menstruating?
A: She keeps tripping over the string.

Q: Why don't blind people go skydiving?
A: Because it scares the **** out of the dog.

Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
A: Call her.

Q: What do you call all the useless skin around the vagina?
A: The woman.


Finally: Never trust a creature that bleeds for tree days without dying

 

[ciaran.mooney]

An irish man is walking down the road with a pint of guiness in his back pocket. He trips and falls over, when he stands up he can feel something dripping down his legs. He looks up and says

"Please God, let it be blood"


How do you sink and irish submarine - Knock on the hatch

Whats the similarity between a Russian submarine and a condom - they're both full of dead sea-men.

Two fish in a bowl :

Fish 1 : Hey look at that castle
Fish 2 : Yeah ... whats a castle?
Fish 1 : I dunno, why do you ask?
Fish 2 : I dunno, who are you anyway!
Fish 1 : I dunno, Hey look at that castle

How does the irish firing squad line up? One behind the other
How does the irish firing squad line up? In a circle!

Paddy and Murphy decide to join the SAS. So they go off the the recruitment centre and they ask them all the usual questions like name, age etc. Then they ask Murphy to go into the next room, and they ask Paddy

"Would you ever kill a member of your family for your country?"

He replies

"Never"

Then they ask

"Would you kill a friend for your country? You see you need to pick up that gun on that table, go into the next room and kill Murphy to join the SAS."

So he thinks about it and picks up the gun and goes into the next room. After a while he comes out and they SAS people start congratulaing him and saying "Well done your in the SAS"

"But the gun wasnt loaded" Says Paddy
"Yes but we were watching you and we saw you pull the trigger. Could you please send Murphy in please?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"I strangled him!"

All irish people on this forum .... please dont hurt me!

 

[Russell Smith]

I heard my next doors little girl crying in there back garden and i went and asked what was up and saw she was just filling in a hole she said her pet goldfish had died and she was putting it in the ground so it can go to heaven.

I said that it seemed a big hole for just a goldfish !!!





She said I know but your cat ate it !

 

[Ghost]

that food thing with the maggots was nasty man. i dont think im ever going to eat again...

 

[Village Idiot]

Two guys on a train

Two guys on a train, both with black eyes
One turns to the other and say's

"How did you get the eye?"

The other guy says

"Well, I was at the ticket counter and the lady serving me had huge tits. I meant to say two tickets to Pittsburg, but it came out as two pickets to titsburg!
She smacked me. So it was a mix up of words really"

"What about you?"

So the other guy explains

"Well, it was a mix up of words for me too. I was having breakfast with my wife and meant to say 'Pass me the Corn Flakes dear' but it came out as 'You've ruined my life you ****ing bitch!!"