My "don't ban paintball" Essay for school *LONG*

[Micah]

Should I post it again with all the corrections I've made?

2 choices with that. Edit the old one (cut the old one out paset in the edited version) or just post it again so the 2 can be seen pretty much next to each other.

 

[ChairChimp]

I'd

edit the old one but make it clear that you have done so in the heading or title and at the end.

Saves on forum space really, noone wants to scroll for ages...

Chimp

 

[Micah]

done.

 

[Beaker]

Originally posted by Micah
Beaker - that is exactly what I need. When I proofread my own stuff I tend to go right over little things like that as I know what it says.

You're right about the snowboarding, the site I was looking at was old. I think we might actually be #2 now but my memory is a bit hazy ...

Please, more nitpicking. I need an A in this class.

"But the Sopranos shouldn’t be canceled or even forced to change because of the actions of two obviously troubled boys"

other errors fixed as well.

Micah -

Only thing I'd really do is to emphasise the outside help a bit more. Like when you're talking about Fuji and Black Fly at HB I'd just add something like "plus this event had several other outside sponsors like: and real off the sponsors from nppl.tv"

Plus if you change us to being third and state more supported than snowboarding we gain more credibility.

But they really are minor things - otherise it's just the stuff I (and Chimp ) said. Although reading it, that paragraph where you say

Here again, I’m saying, crazy people doing crazy things. Not because they played paintball, but because they one, had too much time on their hands. Two, had access to the paintball equipment – many times participants of such acts had never actually played paintball in any organized form. They simply purchased the products in order to wreck havoc. And three, wither they were just crazy and some how were able to justify in their own minds that driving around shooting people who were not in on their little game would be a good idea and/or they were improperly supervised by their parents.

Is bad grammar. should either be a list, or a string of sentences, not both. I'd re-phrase it something like:

Here again, I’m saying it's crazy people doing crazy things and not because they played paintball. The underlying reason could be because they had too much time on their hands or just had easy access to the paintball equipment – many times participants of such acts had never actually played paintball in any organized form. They simply purchased the products in order to wreck havoc. Alternatively, maybe they were just crazy and some how were able to justify in their own minds that driving around shooting people who were not in on their little game would be a good idea and/or they were improperly supervised by their parents.

 

[ChairChimp]

recognition?

#faints#



Chimp

 

[Micah]

Just recently paintball as an industry has been making an attempt to shed the images of paramilitary yahoo’s running around in the woods shooting each other. The weekend of February 8th 2003 saw host to a paintball event on the sands of Huntington Beach California, Surf City USA. The event took place 20 yards north of the Huntington Beach pier and was visible from the Pacific Coast Highway. For the first time in the United States, non-paintball oriented companies such as Black Fly sunglasses and Fuji Film had trailers on site to hawk their wears. Their first attempt to get a piece of this multi-billion dollar pie. Other outside companies to sponsor the event included: Enzer Electronics, Budweiser, JVC, Pony, Real Soda, and Sonic XS.

 

[Beaker]

Sounds good, shows people who's getting involved.

Oh - and one thing I have noticed it the numbers for extreme sports were definitely only for the US, not the world. So it's the X most participated sport in the US.

Otherwise dude, I think your there, best of luck

And Chimp -

 

[Micah]

thanks guys, I'm going to get some sleep, I'll be back in like 5 hours.

 

[Baca Loco]

choir, not quior
No need to paren that biz about football. Even in Cali football is football and soccer is, you know.

 

[onutaka]

i'll dispence with the nit picking on spelling and grammar

you haven't included both sides of the argument. i know that you need to do this because i'm just about to enter for my GCSE's (8 weeks and counting ) to get an A or A* then you need to include more than one point of view. i did this and got 96% on my argumentative writing peice.