That's Coffee, mate (not Coffeemate ewww!)
Tea wise. By the cup.
Bag in cup.
Lift the kettle and pour just before it clicks.
Stir with spoon.
Let it spin for a sec (remove spoon)
Then squish teabag carefully against side of cup.
Stir some more.
Get Milk from fridge and delay for a few moments (check emails), before...
Squidging tea bag again, remove and attempt to flick into bin.
Add sugar. This must be done after tea bag removal, otherwise the sugar goes in the bag and hence, is wasted.
Stir, while adding milk to desired colour.
Tap spoon on cup "Tap,tap,te,tap, tap..."
Then as you put spoon down, each end will finish the tune.." tap, tap".
I make the best tea in the world. I know this, because Robbo said so.
I ignore the fact, that when he said that, I was 15 or 16 and telling someone of such an age, that they are good at something, means that your tea is being made when you pull up outside the shop.
Piper also thought my tea was good. He won't admit it, but he said it.
Now. Coffee.
Instant Coffee, if it must be used, should always be something like Carte Noir, Nescafe Alta Rica etc. Gold blend at a push.
Anyone who has Mellow Birds in their cupboard, should be treated with a high degree of contempt and should not be trusted with any task that involves, even the remotest level of strength.
Boil the Kettle, but shut it off before it boils completely.
Put a touch of cold water in the mug, then add sugar and Coffee granules.
The cold water prevents the hot water, burning the coffee.
Add water, stirring all the time.
Then add milk or cream, stirring all the time to achieve correct colour.
Tap spoon on mug as described above and again when putting spoon down, to complete the process.
For Filter coffee, the process varies depending on if you use a "Plop Plop", Cafetier thingy, or generic coffee machine, which hopefully is a Dolce Gusto and NOT a Shatimo.
But the general rule, is that you should always get it moist, before you go steaming in, so to speak.
Sugar should always be Brown (Demerara or Muscovado being my favourites). Preferably in those rustic, sugar lumps.
Always stir when adding Milk or Cream, unless you are doing that ponsy Cream swirl trick, over the back of a spoon.
In my experience, if you invite a girl back for Coffee (or a bit of Moist Brown, as I like to call it) they are usually more impressed by filter coffee and most impressed by freshly ground beans.
If you can grind her bean by hand, she will be the most impressed, but electric grinding is also very acceptable and often easier
That's about it really.
