Help is at hand.....
Homie,
Ya gots to get paid to be balling these days. In order to help you achieve much needed Bling Bling status, I'll help be your Ghetto stylieeeest.
1. Tunes:
Throw out your Bob the Builder and Tweenies CD collection (we all know you've got em), replace with any Murder Inc, Death Row Records, Def Jam, or anything else produced by Dr Dre, RZA, Chuck D etc. I'd recommend starting with some easy listening such as the 2 Live Crew "We want some Pussy".
2. Rides
Believe it or not a moped or Mk1 1.1 Ghia Fiesta is not acceptable transport for a baller. Acceptable modes of transportation (Ride's):
Gold Plated Humvee with Rear Jacuzzi Option
Low Riders with pneumatic suspensions
Anything German with 20" chrome rims and blacked out windows
Sporty Honda's / Toyota's ditto the above
Failure to fit Rockford Fosgate Subs and Earthquake Amps makes all "Ride's" invalid. Failure to arrive in appropriate Ride: 1:4:1 offence
3. Beeeatches
Today's Baller never leaves home (crib) without a plethora of Beeeatches (ho's). Please note these must be "Phat Ho's" not "Fat Ho's", the latter being far from aesthetically pleasing. Again note that Ho's should be skimpily dressed and shaking booty in an appropriate and provocative manner at all times. Failure to do so makes Ho's invalid. Failure to register appropriate Ho's 1:4:1 offence.
4. Gat's.
Today's Ghetto Baller, does not recognise Marker, Gun, Betokoner as appropriate terms for his weapon of choice. All projectile distributors must now be termed as Gat. Other Gat related rules:
Gat's must be Platinum / gold plated where possible (moving parts are excluded due to weight requirements)
Breach Knobs must be of the Diamond Variety. 5 additional game points for all Breach knobs in excess of 5 carat's
Loaders to be known as Clip's
Players may not rely on Grip frame game timers. All Ballers are now required to adorn a minimum Rolex Airking or Cartier Santos Wrist Game timer. 1 additional game point for each diamond in face and bezel.
Should the baller wish to forego his right to 20 + BPS Gat, baller may opt to carry two PT extremes instead. Note PT extremes may not have sticky grips, only elastic bands on grip frame.
5. Training
Today's Bling Bling Ghetto Baller, may forego his right to training by watching continuous Videos of "New Jack City" and "Menace to Society". Baller should heed special attention to O'Dawgs instructional 2 handed shooting routine especially handy for those ballers choosing the PT extreme route. Note also that where possible ballers must rotate their Gat's 90 degrees to the side when shooting. The field ultimate may choose to penalise teams that rely on prone shooting techniques.
6. Dress
Given recent abuses at Millenniums and other Major League Tournaments, the following are acceptable standards of Bling Bling dress:
Sliders - Maybe be Marharishi or Sean Paul. Crotch of pants must be a minimum 8 inches below "family jewel" protection. Ideally sliders should cover appropriate footwear, but ballers may choose to have one leg 10 inches shorter than the other. Ballers may not on any circumstances where Renegade pads outside Sliders 5:4:1 offence.
Footwear - Must confirm to pre 1993 Nike and Addidas models. Acceptable types include Addidas Shelltoes, Stan Smiths etc. Acceptable Nike's: Cortez all Jordan's upto Jordan 6. Additional 5 points maybe awarded to players in Black Nike Air Jordan 5 (Sharks teeth and Silver tongues), or the "23" special edition model.
Jerseys - Must display some form of animal print, and may only be from Roberto Cavalli (sp?) or Burberry.
Goggs - as per Millenium Guidelines. Although all lenses must be of the Mirrored or Chrome variety.
So there you have it, put these into affect and your finally a Baller proper. Now as Pastor Offering once said: "That Blessing gonna cost ya, bout a hundred thousand"
) say your markers are bling bling, as bling bling means diamonds, which only a very very select few would actually have.......
