Diary of an englishman in scotland...?
20th DECEMBER The first snow we have seen in many years. My wife and me sat in the porch with our hot toddies watching the fluffy soft flakes drift down gently onto the trees and bushes. It’s so peaceful.
24th DECEMBER We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white shimmering snow covering everything as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and every bush covered in a beautiful white blanket of snow. I shovelled snow for the first time ever today and loved every minute of it. I did our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came by and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, the driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman, and had a snowball fight. A couple of them just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back, just for fun.
26th DECEMBER It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees had snapped due to the weight of the snow. I had to shovel our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplough came by and did his little trick again. Much of the snow is now a light brown colour.
1st JANUARY Warmed up enough today to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Had to buy snow tyres. Fell on my ar$e in the driveway. Went to the doctor, but thankfully, nothing was broken.
5th JANUARY Still cold. Snow tyres didn't do any good. She slid down the road and into a wall and did some damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of that white stuff last night. Car is covered in iced up slush and grit, which that blasted snowplough is responsible for. He came by another f*cking twice.
9th JANUARY More f*cking white sh!te. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which toppled over and nearly torched the whole house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. We hit a deer on the way to casualty and the car was a total f*cking write off.
13th JANUARY F*cking bd white sh!te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every item of clothing just to go to the shop. Those little c*nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that f*cking snowman so far up their ar$e it'll take good f*cking surgeon hours to find it. I think that blasted snowplough f*cking waits round the corner for me to finish shovelling and then speeds down the street like Michael f*cking Schumacher and buries the f*cking car again.
17th JANUARY FIVE MORE F*CKING INCHES OF F*CKING SNOW and more f*cking ice to go with it, and whatever f*cking else fell last night is on my f*cking car. I'm up at court in April for assaulting the snowplough driver with my shovel. Can't feel my f*cking toes, haven’t seen the sun for 4 weeks and it's minus f*cking 14 degrees.
F*CK THIS I'M GOING BACK TO ENGLAND!!!!!!!
