When....

[Ralph]

.... your girlfriend is sleeping, pop a Cadbury's chocolate button in between her buttcheeks. It'll melt, and when she wakes up she'll think she's shat herself.

You can only top that by smeering some round your mouth.
She'll think you've been eating it !!!!

 

[Bryan leaver]

you heard the joke with the farting husband?


i'll say it anyway, this old couple were married for nearly 50 years, so of course, they were used to each other, so they acted normally. no secrets here!

anyway the husband had a habit of farting all the time, and they weren't silent ones, oh no, these were the big soggy ones that sound like they're accompanied by a sh!te. as you'd imagine the wife didn't like the farts, who would? so she was always saying "one day you going to fart your guts out!!!" and every time, the husband responded the same, "that's an old wives tale, it'll never happen"

one evening the wife was making the dinner, he had a big chicken on the counter and she was gutting it when the husband walked in and went up to her and gave her a hug, after chatting for a while he went back to the living room, but not before farting! the wife decided she had had it! she wasn't going to put up with it anymore!!

that night after the husband had gone to sleep she sneaked downstairs and got the chicken guts, she then put them into his underwear. (see where this is going?) the next morning the husband woke up and of course he farted. but then there was a look of dawning on his face, a sort of puzzled look, so very cautiously, but even more curiously he reached down and felt in his pants....... in a flash the husband was out of bed, in the toilet with the door locked behind him and screaming all the way. the wife was just lying there in be with a mischievous smile on her face.

20 minutes of blood curdling, gut wrenching screams later the husband walked out of the toilet with a sigh of relief, by ow the wife had been beginning to wonder what the h3ll he was doing in there. the husband says to her, "honey, you were right, i shouldn't have been farting all the time. just like you said i would i farted out my guts, but.... with these two fingers and this tub of Vaseline i got it all back in again!!!"

that is some funny stuff right there

 

[Dskize]

Two men and a woman get stranded on a desert island..

After about a fortnight they do what comes natural and the woman starts sleeping with the two men..

After about 6 months she cant handle the shame anymore and kills herself..

After another fortnight the two men start doing what comes natural..

After about 6 months they do whats right and bury her...

 

[Kat]

Ah that's sick...!

 

[AL21784]

Ah that's sick...!

but quite funny

 

[Jimmymac]

Two men and a woman get stranded on a desert island..

After about a fortnight they do what comes natural and the woman starts sleeping with the two men..

After about 6 months she cant handle the shame anymore and kills herself..

After another fortnight the two men start doing what comes natural..

After about 6 months they do whats right and bury her...

hahahahaha

 

[Skeet]

.... your girlfriend is sleeping, pop a Cadbury's chocolate button in between her buttcheeks. It'll melt, and when she wakes up she'll think she's shat herself.

While on Holiday in September...I committed an act of obscenity on my wife while she was asleep.

In the morning, she said to me "Hey, I did catch the sun yesterday, my chest is peeling."

As for sticking stuff in orifices...when I was a bit younger, I was at a party and one of our mates was chatting and getting pi$$ed with some guys...now...we later told him that they were gay (which they were), he was surprised but not bothered.
Anyway...he drank too much and passed out...

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, we put a condom on a pencil, touch of lube and inserted it in his bum hole, half hanging out...removed pencil.

When he woke up the next afternoon....he was utterly dismayed we could tell...but he didn't say what he had found

 

[Cook$]

As for sticking stuff in orifices...when I was a bit younger, I was at a party and one of our mates was chatting and getting pi$$ed with some guys...now...we later told him that they were gay (which they were), he was surprised but not bothered.
Anyway...he drank too much and passed out...

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, we put a condom on a pencil, touch of lube and inserted it in his bum hole, half hanging out...removed pencil.

When he woke up the next afternoon....he was utterly dismayed we could tell...but he didn't say what he had found

Not that old chestnut. I'd be more embarrassed to stick a condom up my mate's arse than to admit pulling one out of my own in the morning.

 

[Skeet]

Not that old chestnut. I'd be more embarrassed to stick a condom up my mate's arse than to admit pulling one out of my own in the morning.

Why does that not surprise me....you liberated chap you!

These things do not worry me. I was actually the one who inserted, said prophylactic, but I was involved in the general "event"...I believe I may even have lubed the condom.

Was funny though...very difficult to stifle the laughter of 5 blokes and a few girls, when that is occurring.

 

[Gee Tee]

Good job it wasn't a rugby club do

He would have woken up with a lot worse hanging out of his arse